I gave a 12-step AA talk yesterday on the internet, and the topic was “giving and receiving.”I decided to focus on Step 12:
Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
One of the things I love best about blogging and teaching is that often *I* hear the message. It’s an amazing thing. I think I am giving to others, and sharing my experience, but then I HEAR what I am saying, and it’s a zinger moment. It’s so cool. I am only giving to myself.
The reason I talked about Step 12 is because it’s the place where the healing really began to occur for me … IN GIVING TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Up until that point, I was trying to solve my own problems, wallowing in my own pathetic story, trying to make life better for myself by my own attempts (dieting, pouring vodka down the sink, trying to improve my body, or to improve my life by reading more books)
But Step 12 basically asks you to “get over yourself” and start extending yourself. It asks you to start being helpful.
As I started to include other people into my life, I realized I didn’t have a desire to act out my addictions anymore. I felt satisfied and loved, and I was no longer looking for ways to sedate or “feel better.”
A sense of completeness began to envelop me.
I have read in A Course in Miracles (like 500 times) that I have only one problem and it is separation. I have read this, thought about, and accepted it as truth … but without ever really making it personal to me, until yesterday.
So yesterday I was giving the talk on the internet, telling my AA story, and I was talking about my own self-imposed isolation and it hit me like a ton of bricks that ISOLATION was the problem. The drinking was just the symptom. The isolation was my core main problem.
I was talking about all my failed attempts to stop drinking. I went from ages 27 to 31 trying to quit drinking. That’s 4 years of praying and crying and dumping vodka down the sink, only to land in the liquor store one week later, and then the whole cycle would start again. I don’t think I ever finished a whole bottle of vodka in those four years. Usually I would drink half the bottle, and then in frustration would dump the rest down the sink. This went on for four years. It never occurred to me to go to AA. I figured since I was so successful in other areas of my life, that quitting alcohol would be easy, that it would just be a matter of “will-power”.
Well … not.
Finally, the way I quit is that Endeavor Academy has a rule: no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, no meat.
So I quit cold turkey back in March 2001.
But here’s the thing: alcohol was only a SYMPTOM of a much deeper problem. If you cure the symptom without curing the real cause of the problem, other symptoms will show up.
You most likely already know this is true, and can point to several areas in your life where you see this is a fact.
You know the old analogy: you put out one fire, and another fire blazes up in a different location. Same problem, different location.
So for me, I transferred my alcohol additions to food, craziness in my relationships and just general insanity all around.
Finally, after much thrashing, I joined the fellowship of AA. I was restored to sanity. What the AA program taught me is that you can’t do this alone. You need to admit you have a problem, that you are powerless, that God can help you if you let him, and you have to tell another human being all your shortcomings, and pretty much your life story.
YOU HAVE TO TELL ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!!
I balked when I got to this step. I didn’t want to be telling anyone about my problems! I wanted everyone to think I was perfect! I didn’t want to be airing dirty laundry!
I wanted to be sane and happy, and to not be an addict anymore, and to not act out with food or alcohol and crazy relationships … and at that point in my life, I was willing to go to any length (including talking to another human being) if it offered me the hope of healing.
So, I was telling my story yesterday, and the revelation of THE ACTUAL CAUSE OF MY PROBLEM (that led me to drink and overeat) hit me like a lightbulb: ISOLATION.
We, as addicts, love to shut everyone out. We love to isolate ourselves, and erect a wall where we think we are protected from getting hurt.
ISOLATION IS THE PROBLEM.
DRINKING IS THE SYMPTOM.
I said it, then I heard it. It was a good moment for me. For the first time, I “got” what it means that separation is our only problem. I actually made it personal and understood finally what it means.
The thought that I am all alone in the world is what caused me to drink.
Oh my God. How amazing.
And that’s why telling one other human being is so important in this program. It is the first step in opening yourself up to other people, which for so long you have resisted.
Think about it. It’s easy to tell God your problems.
But try sitting someone down – a real breathing human being – who is sitting there watching you and giving you all their attention, and try asking them for help. It’s a whole other story.
I used to hate asking for help. I would have rather died than admit I had a problem.
But finally, in that total moment of desperation, you will do anything.
For me, I finally had to admit that I was indeed powerless, and that I could NOT solve my problem.
I woke up this morning thinking that EVERYTHING in this world is a symptom, and that the real problem really is separation and isolation. Every form of sickness is a symptom. It’s not the real problem. It’s just a symptom of a much deeper problem.
You can try to cure the symptom, but unless you go into your own thought system – AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE SOURCE – and heal the real problem – SEPARATION & ISOLATION – you will only find more symptoms appear.
You have to go straight to the source of the cause of all your problems. This is where real healing occurs.
This will be the end of all doctors and all medicine, when people realize the cause of all their problems is in their minds, in their thoughts.
The great thing about this is that you can do something about it TODAY. You can go into your thought system – TODAY, NOW – and start changing your mind.
It says in A Course in Miracles that the reason you get sick is because you don’t value yourself. Isn’t that amazing? You get sick because you think of yourself as unworthy and unlovable. But when you start to change your mind, and realize that “God’s value of you can heal you” … then all those bodily symptoms of sickness will automatically disappear.
Because finally, you have located the real source of the problem: separation and isolation.
What’s the solution? Let the wall come down. Stop shutting people out. Start inviting them in. Become more available. Open your heart. Start asking for help. Give, and then give some more. Start realizing you are worthy and lovable.
Heal your problem of separation and all your other symptoms will disappear.
I love you.
Facebook comments:
I isolate a lot. I sometimes think I’ve developed agoraphobia. I have few friends, but not anyone real close. I am trying to get there with my Sponsor. But it is so hard for me to ask for help. I always think I am bothering someone (which really means I am not worth it!). I am going to start an Al-Anon call list with people that I connect with. This was my sponsor’s suggestion. Isolation and Separation. WOW!